It was a great weekend. Great training session Saturday morning, I got to see some old friends, and spent some great quality time with my family. What brought everyone together was my father's 75th birthday, and an early celebration of my parents' 45th wedding anniversary. My sister organized a surprise party that was fantastic. My parents were completely overwhelmed, and overjoyed. My end of the bargain was giving a speech. Here it is:
September 11th
These days, the act of mentioning that date can transform a room or silence a conversation. For a very unfortunate reason, that date has become a touchstone for powerful emotions the world over. For some it brings up feelings of loss and despair; in others anger and wrath; and in a few, feelings of hope, gratitude and forgiveness.
It wasn’t always this way. In 1936, September 11th had a different connatation to a family half a world away in the West Indies. It was a day of birth, a celebration of life, and the welcoming of a new child into the world.
I have a hard time imagining my father as a child – a problem I think all children have with their parents. We have always known our parents as fully formed adults, and don’t have the context and history necessary to imagine all of the trials they faced in their lives which made them who they are.
The challenge I faced in understanding my dad was doubled by the fact that he was raised in another country, and in another culture from the one I was born into. And that was by his choice – at an age when young men are looking to establish themselves, to develop a sense of who they are and define themselves separately from the home that raised them, my father left Barbados. He had outgrown the small island where he was born. It took me a while to understand what might have driven him to do this. In the depths of our Montreal winters I certainly questioned his reasoning – why on Earth did you leave Barbados?
This was just one of the mysteries to me about my father. Like most sons, I couldn’t understand my father when I was a boy. At that time to me he was distant, and unapproachable. But as I got older that changed, especially when I became a husband and a father. Suddenly it became clear to me what he struggled with, why he spent a long time sitting in his chair thinking, or coming home tired from a long day at work.
He devoted all of his energy to his family – his one goal was to ensure that they had a good life. It wasn’t until I was much older, and encountered families that lacked someone like my father, that I came to really appreciate everything that he did for our family, and the impact that he has had on me.
When I first started working for the University of Toronto, I attended a workshop on ethics. Ethical behavior is extremely important in my profession as a fundraiser, and the leader of the session picked me to answer a specific question: Where do you get your sense of ethics? This was pretty easy for me to answer: my ethics come from my father. I learned what integrity and professionalism was by seeing him at work, and seeing how people who worked for him responded to him. I learned about compassion and honesty from seeing how he treated other people, and how he was willing to sacrifice his own well being for others. He is someone that you can always count on.
But even that is not the whole story. I’ve come to realize that not only was Dad devoted to Mom and Sue and me; not only was he dedicated to his work; but that his devotion to family extended to a great many other people. His devotion to family is what made it completely reasonable for us to take in Jane when she needed a new home. It’s what made it possible for him and Mom to dedicate an enormous amount to caring for my grandmothers as they aged, struggled with disease, and passed on. And I believe it is what has made him and my mother into the life partners that they are, and what has made them central to so many people’s lives. When you need something, or someone, you know who to call – my mom and dad.
I have worked in many places, lived in several cities, visited many countries, and been educated in a lot of schools. I have attended church, read widely, practiced meditation, studied philosophy and martial arts. But the most fundamental lessons of my life were learned by watching my parents: how they laugh, how committed they are to each other, how they sacrifice for their children and how they have always put the needs of others first. It is these lessons that have helped make me who I am. The martial arts that I do have these core principles: modesty, courtesy, integrity, self-control, perseverance and indomitable spirit. But long before I came to the martial arts I had learned these principles, by the example of my parents’ lives.
On October 8th, my parents will celebrate 45 years of marriage. I don’t believe there was ever a time when that was normal, but it seems even more rare these days. They are of course, an inspiration for me in my own married life – although that doesn’t mean I mimic everything they do. In forty five years of marriage there have been times when things have been bleak, and not everything about my family is lovable.
In my life, especially recently, I’ve seen many marriages end, for many reasons. And so I’ve often wondered what has kept mom and dad together. They certainly seem to have very different personalities…but I think I’ve started to realize that what has kept them together (and brought people closer to them) is the fact that they are both people who are willing to put consideration of others ahead of themselves.
My father and mother taught me the importance of seeing the world through other people’s eyes. I think that quality has helped keep their love alive for all of these years. That quality is what has made them the brother, sister, parents, grandparents, uncle, aunt, cousin and friend that everyone is grateful for.
What I have also learned from my parents is that love is a well that you can keep going back to in order to replenish yourself. Love provides the foundation for the commitment that two people can make to each other over a lifetime, a commitment that must be constantly renewed at each fork in the road. Love, commitment, perseverance and a devotion to others have kept my parents together for forty five years, and their example gives me the confidence to face the challenges that confront me in my life, and my family’s.
I am so very grateful for my life. The gifts my parents have given me have allowed me to step into the most treasured roles that I have, as a husband and a father. I owe both them so much, and I continue to live my life as best I can as a way of saying thank you to them for all they have done for me.
So I return to September 11th. A date that is now infamous, and filled with pain for a great many people. But for me it will always be a hopeful day. We here are all truly blessed, because we share a constant reminder on that anniversary that hope and birth conquers fear and death.
September 11th is my father's birthday. No matter how the world wants to view that anniversary, I know that I will always have something to be grateful for on that day, and a reminder of hope and love, even in the face of fear and death. I want to give thanks for all of the gifts my parents have given me, and thank you for sharing this day with us.
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