75 & 45

It was a great weekend.  Great training session Saturday morning, I got to see some old friends, and spent some great quality time with my family.  What brought everyone together was my father's 75th birthday, and an early celebration of my parents' 45th wedding anniversary. My sister organized a surprise party that was fantastic.  My parents were completely overwhelmed, and overjoyed.  My end of the bargain was giving a speech.  Here it is:

September 11^th

These days, the act of mentioning that date can transform a room or silence a conversation. For a very unfortunate reason, that date has become a touchstone for powerful emotions the world over.  For some it brings up feelings of loss and despair; in others anger and wrath; and in a few, feelings of hope, gratitude and forgiveness.

It wasn’t always this way.  In 1936, September 11^th had a different connatation to a family half a world away in the West Indies.  It was a day of birth, a celebration of life, and the welcoming of a new child into the world.  

I have a hard time imagining my father as a child – a problem I think all children have with their parents.  We have always known our parents as fully formed adults, and don’t have the context and history necessary to imagine all of the trials they faced in their lives which made them who they are. 

The challenge I faced in understanding my dad was doubled by the fact that he was raised in another country, and in another culture from the one I was born into.  And that was by his choice – at an age when young men are looking to establish themselves, to develop a sense of who they are and define themselves separately from the home that raised them, my father left Barbados.  He had outgrown the small island where he was born.  It took me a while to understand what might have driven him to do this.  In the depths of our Montreal winters I  certainly questioned his reasoning – why on Earth did you leave Barbados?

This was just one of the mysteries to me about my father.  Like most sons, I couldn’t understand my father when I was a boy.  At that time to me he was distant, and unapproachable.  But as I got older that changed, especially when I became a husband and a father.  Suddenly it became clear to me what he struggled with, why he spent a long time sitting in his chair thinking, or coming home tired from a long day at work. 

He devoted all of his energy to his family – his one goal was to ensure that they had a good life.  It wasn’t until I was much older, and encountered families that lacked someone like my father, that I came to really appreciate everything that he did for our family, and the impact that he has had on me.

When I first started working for the University of Toronto, I attended a workshop on ethics.  Ethical behavior is extremely important in my profession as a fundraiser, and the leader of the session picked me to answer a specific question: Where do you get your sense of ethics? This was pretty easy for me to answer: my ethics come from my father.  I learned what integrity and professionalism was by seeing him at work, and seeing how people who worked for him responded to him.  I learned about compassion and honesty from seeing how he treated other people, and how he was willing to sacrifice his own well being for others. He is someone that you can always count on.

But even that is not the whole story.  I’ve come to realize that not only was Dad devoted to Mom and Sue and me; not only was he dedicated to his work; but that his devotion to family extended to a great many other people.  His devotion to family is what made it completely reasonable for us to take in Jane when she needed a new home. It’s what made it possible for him and Mom to dedicate an enormous amount to caring for my grandmothers as they aged, struggled with disease, and passed on.  And I believe it is what has made him and my mother into the life partners that they are, and what has made them central to so many people’s lives. When you need something, or someone, you know who to call – my mom and dad.

I have worked in many places, lived in several cities, visited many countries, and been educated in a lot of schools. I have attended church, read widely, practiced meditation, studied philosophy and martial arts. But the most fundamental lessons of my life were learned by watching my parents: how they laugh, how committed they are to each other, how they sacrifice for their children and how they have always put the needs of others first.  It is these lessons that have helped make me who I am.  The martial arts that I do have these core principles: modesty, courtesy, integrity, self-control, perseverance and indomitable spirit.  But long before I came to the martial arts I had learned these principles, by the example of my parents’ lives.

On October 8^th, my parents will celebrate 45 years of marriage.  I don’t believe there was ever a time when that was normal, but it seems even more rare these days.  They are of course, an inspiration for me in my own married life – although that doesn’t mean I mimic everything they do.  In forty five years of marriage there have been times when things have been bleak, and not everything about my family is lovable.  

In my life, especially recently, I’ve seen many marriages end, for many reasons. And so I’ve often wondered what has kept mom and dad together.  They certainly seem to have very different personalities…but I think I’ve started to realize that what has kept them together (and brought people closer to them) is the fact that they are both people who are willing to put consideration of others ahead of themselves. 

My father and mother taught me the importance of seeing the world through other people’s eyes. I think that quality has helped keep their love alive for all of these years.  That quality is what has made them the brother, sister, parents, grandparents, uncle, aunt, cousin and friend that everyone is grateful for.

What I have also learned from my parents is that love is a well that you can keep going back to in order to replenish yourself.  Love provides the foundation for the commitment that two people can make to each other over a lifetime, a commitment that must be constantly renewed at each fork in the road.  Love, commitment, perseverance and a devotion to others have kept my parents together for forty five years, and their example gives me the confidence to face the challenges that confront me in my life, and my family’s.

I am so very grateful for my life.  The gifts my parents have given me have allowed me to step into the most treasured roles that I have, as a husband and a father.  I owe both them so much, and I continue to live my life as best I can as a way of saying thank you to them for all they have done for me.

So I return to September 11^th. A date that is now infamous, and filled with pain for a great many people. But for me it will always be a hopeful day.  We here are all truly blessed, because we share a constant reminder on that anniversary that hope and birth conquers fear and death.

September 11^th is my father's birthday. No matter how the world wants to view that anniversary, I know that I will always have something to be grateful for on that day, and a reminder of hope and love, even in the face of fear and death.  I want to give thanks for all of the gifts my parents have given me, and thank you for sharing this day with us.  

So, from all of us, happy birthday Dad, and happy anniversary to you and mom.  I love you both very much.

Applause, but why is this taking so long?

So I don't think they planned it to happen for the start of Toronto's Pride week, but yesterday New York State became the largest state in the union to allow LGBT couples the basic right that EVERYONE else has had (although it may only be L/G, I'm not sure about the B/T until I read the bill).

Sound the applause.  But it begs the question, why is this taking so long? It was last summer that a California court struck down that state's anti-same sex marriage act in one of the best examples of bullet-proof reasoning by the presiding judge. 

The slow march towards equality for my friends and neighbours is quite frustrating to watch.  And even in this city and country where I live there are frustrations that crop up (like a mayor who doesn't think participating in one of the city's largest events justifies sacrificing some family time for what everyone else considers a mayoral duty).

Sometimes having patience and taking the long view of things is very tiring.  This morning I'm relating this news from New York, and my reaction to it, to how I'm feeling and dealing with my latest injury.  Yes, it is getting better (I think), but it's hard to tell some times, is often painful and why is it taking so long to heal? Sometimes when you are going through something painful it's hard to tell if things are getting better, or to have the patience required to be happy about whatever progress you are making.

But if you want to read about a real struggle, and the courage of everyday life, please take a look at my friend's brilliant blog about her journey through breast cancer. It will make you weep, and laugh and take great pride in what she has been able to do.

Whiskey and Cigarettes

I must admit that I no longer listen to commercial radio, and so am completely out of the loop in terms of music trends and sound. I am now completely dependent on my children to let me know what is actually 'current'.

How sad, as I used to have such a wide appreciation for musical genres -- which I still do, but absent anything new. Until I came across this lovely lady, ADELE, who has become one of my faves, and restored my faith in new music. Of course, she kind of has an old sound, but that's not the point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qemWRToNYJY



How do I describe why I like this -- whiskey and cigarettes. That's what I think of when I hear or see her sing. I've never smoked, but loved spending time in dark smoky bars listening to bands and singers work a room -- which is another thing I don't do much of these days. This woman's emotional range in her songs is visceral.

For me she embodies Etta James, Janis Joplin and all the best bluesy singers to have come before her. And it seems that live she sounds exactly like on record, which to me is a true mark of talent.

What more could you ask for then listening to melancholy music, brilliantly sung with the lights down while sipping whiskey (I'll avoid the cigarettes, but she smokes which has done wonders for giving her voice just the right amount of rasp...)

I hope she continues to make wonderful music for years to come (so maybe she should give up the cigarettes at some point.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiMK9e0h6YE&feature=related

And it begins again...

Another very special black belt ceremony has come and gone, with tears, smiles and joy shared amongst an incredibly loving community. I am very proud of the accomplishments of the group of people who have completed a very long and arduous stage of their martial arts journey. And now the next stage begins...

The next one is filled with uncertainty; it starts with the question "Now what?". The simple answer is not an answer, but a question -- what do you want it to be?

That is one of the hardest, but most beautiful parts of this experience: it is unique, demanding and dependent on the motivation of the student. I have been really happy to see the last few groups who have gone through the black belt experience stay reasonably intact, and dedicated to growing as individuals while giving back to the community around them.

I am so looking forward to seeing how these guys do, and how they answer the questions posed to them.

Congratulations to all of them, and thank you to them as well. They have helped me learn a great deal about myself, and that is a debt that is very hard to repay.

Achievement

I have been particularly blessed recently. Every year I get to participate in a triumph of the spirit. This year I invested heavily in the group that would be testing for black belt at DeSantos. It was really the first time in my tenure at the club where I have felt more like a teacher and mentor to a group rather than an experienced training partner.

I deeply appreciate everything that these people did for me this weekend -- they gave it their all, and made me believe in my own abilities as an instructor and guide. Even more importantly I saw the spark take hold in many of them - the spark of wanting to share what they were feeling with others, and the blossoming sense that by giving back they will be fulfilled.

Every year I get very emotional witnessing these events. This year was no different. Perhaps now they understand a bit better the message I conveyed last year. I can't wait to see the effect all of this has.

Congratulations to all for all that they did. I feel truly blessed to have shared it with them.

Oh, and fair warning to those getting their first degrees this year: if you train diligently, you will be able to qualify for second degree when I go for my third in 2013. What fun!

Getting what you want and being happy

Cerebus: Most Holy will bless your child and teach you a valuable lesson about life at the same time

Cerebus: Bless you

SHRIEK

Cerebus: The valuable lesson is that you can get what you want and still not be very happy....

I certainly believe that I have a rather dark sense of humour. But in addition to finding this particularly funny (and from a great series of Graphic Novels) I found myself thinking about this in the wake of some of the bigger news items of the day recently.

Here in Canada, we have had an extraordinary election. For the first time since Confederation, the Liberal Party has failed to either become the government, or the official opposition. The New Democratic Party, for the first time in its history has won enough seats to take that position, and the Conservative Party, for the first time in its current incarnation has won a majority. Why do these events make me turn to this memory of a twenty year old comic book? Partly because that's just the way I think, and partly because I think the lesson Cerebus is teaching is appropriate to our current situation:

The NDP wanted to win, and has wanted to move out of its traditional role as the third party alternative in Canadian politics that it has held almost since its inception. It got its wish, but the cost of its victory is the election of a Conservative majority, which will likely guarantee that none of the priorities the NDP holds dear will ever come close to being enacted over the next four years. (thus getting what they want, but ultimately being unhappy)

While I've always found myself leaning towards the party, and often vote that way depending on who is running in my riding, my trouble with them is that they have never seemed to me to be serious about governing -- they are quite content to cajole, provoke, oppose and propose alternative ideas, but never with any hope of actually governing. In our system, the party in opposition isn't supposed to be happy with coming in second -- it's supposed to be the government in waiting, and offer citizens a reasonable alternative to the party in power. I'm interested in seeing how the NDP reacts to its new role.

The Conservatives wanted a majority. They got it, but I think their unhappiness is going to come from the fact that there are now more voices internally who are going to expect to be heard and considered -- not something the party has been very good at recently, or has shown any real track record at fostering. They need look no further than the Liberals to see what kind of strife can ensue from this development, and the catastrophic results that often occur.

I've never voted Conservative because I've never found them able to resolve their inherent contradiction: they want a small government, so they cut taxes (to deprive the government of revenue for spending); they then spend more then they take in, because it costs money to deliver the services people want, and a government needs to deliver those things if it wants to stay in power. They then wonder why a deficit has occurred but are unable ideologically to consider a diverse way of coping with it.

In other news, but related to my point: in the US, people are celebrating the death of Osama bin Laden. I understand the sentiment, but have found myself unable to share it. His death doesn't roll back the clock. His death doesn't do away with extremism. His death, while well-deserved (and well executed by any measure), does not resolve the pain of the lives who were affected by him. His death may have been a just act, but I cannot rejoice in it. I can't be happy that he was killed. Satisfied, but not happy.

My hope is that (as my hero, Jon Stewart says) his face will no longer be the one people think of when they think 'Muslim'; instead, I trust it will be the faces of the brave people who are writing, protesting, fighting and dying for freedom in their countries -- so that they can enjoy a day when, like me, they wake up to a peaceful transitition of power brought about by an engaged citizenry.

And then they can ponder, like me, how you can get what you want and still not be very happy...

What Does it Take to Bring People Together?

Commitment, hard work and a willingness to surrender yourself. The group that is going to be testing for their black belts at our school in three weeks is going down to Niagara on the Lake for a weekend of team building.

While the idea that the black belt test at our school is more than an individual assessment of your performance as a martial artist is long entrenched at DeSantos, the time we take to help the group that is testing together bond has definitely taken on a different quality in the last few years.

Partly this is just the chance brought by opportunity -- our master now has access to a property down in NOTL that works really well as a retreat for the group for the weekend. We do all kinds of fun things to help them get to know each other, and to de-stress them. But still help them to develop the focus and mental strength necessary for what they are about to do.

more on this later...